We all know that I have my problems with tbs, we know this. The majority of my aggravation is stimulated by the overwhelming amount of respect Tyler Perry’s House of Payne has been mysteriously accumulating. Meet the Paynes everybody:
I don’t know the character names and I don’t care to. That information is irrelevant. What’s important here is that this show is embarrassingly terrible and tbs refuses to see the light. If this show were on the WB, I would care less. tbs has been getting away with murder for way too long; MyBoys, The Bill Engvall Show, 10 Items or less, House of Payne, Frank tv, Friends (still?), Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens, My Name is Earl, and now The Orifice re-runs? Very funny? Ehhh, not so much.
And guess what else folks? (To makes matters worse for yours truly) On Monday, September 1st, starting at 9am (central), tbs will be airing 10 straight hours of this horrible sitcom. You heard right. 20 episodes IN A ROW. Buckle up you couch spuds, things are about to get awkwardly unfunny…
I ended up on 125th and Wornall last night. I did not belong there, nor did I want to be there. The only positive was that there was an abundance of “plant” that required some attention. Not to mention the large amount of alcohol that was free for the taking. But who cares about that nonsense?
I was with an old college “friend”. Her name is Carleigh, but I like to refer to her as Caps. And this is why…
Look at this stupid cap...
(plenty more where that one came from)
….Anyway, her roommate, who is 24 going on 45, is somewhat of a stiff. His name is Sam. Young, successful, and again, pretty farkin stiff. He was kind enough not to judge me (directly). Little did he know, my inner monologue was just creating joke after joke after joke, at his expense. This guy is a total loser*. When I say 24 going on 45, I really mean 18 going on 55. They are all from Warrensburg, Mo. I will not bore you with details about each member of this Engineers’ hang, but it was terrible. Oh yeah, with the exception of the two vegans (that live in Lawrence), the majority of these frustrated chumps were at some point in their life, engineers. There is one who is still in school, and he is attending M.I.T. He’s a nuclear engineer and had plenty to say in regards to his being better than me. Dustin is his name, and he was allllllright. Another thing that really bothered me about this hang was the amount of curse words that were being tossed around. I mean, I have never been so offended in my entire life. Fart this, and frick that. Eff’n this and eff’n that. Call me Marbles but I don’t think anyone, at any point of the night, designated any area as a swear zone (which is standard procedure). A little warning would have been nice. Did I mention these guys could drink? I was trying to keep a tally for every time one of these WarrensBurgers would submit a story that related to how drink they were, or how drarnk they were going to be. Kind of insightful.
The night ended with me and a laughable character named Floppy, laffin’ it up to season 3 of Arrested Development. Floppy wasn’t really all there. I found myself solo lol’ing during this mini-hang one too many times. Floppy would finally wake-up and contribute, but said contributions were lackluster. For instance, he would laugh at something and then repeat the line that made him laugh, and then he would laugh again. Please note that these were scenes that weren’t really funny. Still, I give Floppy an “E” for effort. And I would have to say, that this was definitely the highlight of my evening.
So the farkin smark was smoked, the eff’n dranks were drinked, and the frick’n drunk were drarnk.
I gotta get to Warrensburg.
*Before things really got underway, I was sitting at a table in what I would assume was the dining area. Sam slid a coaster my direction and said, “let’s get a coaster under that (my drink). This table was made in like 1860.” So by “in like” you mean circa, which says to me that you don’t know when this table was made. Like I said…stiff.
I decided to take a trip to the HalfPrice Book store today. The weather wouldn’t allow me to just waste away in the house. It was spectacular outside…
I was on Jarboe, and Westport Rd. was in my sights. To my right, I saw something that was too hilarious to put into words. I am without a camera right now, but I did capture this moment with my Sprint PCS cellular phone-cam. I can’t show you the exact image, but with the help of google images (along with some visual editing), I will do my best to reenact…
Take this old bastard and his bench, and imagine them on the front porch of any random house. Keep in mind, he will remain in that position throughout the reenactment. Now, let’s make that suspender-slacks combo a one-piece, denim overall fit. And let’s cover up that bald madness with a BassProShop mesh cap. You have now seen what I witnessed on Jarboe. The only thing I could muster was..”Wow, The Mask must’ve let Ol’ Boy have a half-day today.”
Gnaughts’s life had indeed flashed before my own eyes.
I woke up from an incredible (but totally undeserved)* nap in order to create this post. It’s about a dream that I just had. Sit back, put your feet up, shut-up, and listen…
[You might want to start the song now]
…I was at some random sandwich shop, that appeared to be located in some stupid mall. This eatery had a random assortment of treats that would make any man smile…while sleeping. I was with Joe Barracco. Joe and I worked at a bar together in college. He was the only person in this dream that my imagination did not create. All of the sandwiches were pre-made, pre-packaged items, just like they would be at say, your local QuickTrip or Circle K. Joe hands me his debit card to pay for the food. I looked at him like he was a crazy person. I gave him this look because he wanted to go talk to these girls (there were about 4 of them) when we had other obligations to attend to…”the gnarsh”. We argued, finally came to an agreement, he walked away.
Oh boy…What is this I see?
Cookies?
After Joe and I dispersed, I looked down to see these two packages (yes there were only two) of Christmas cookies just staring at me. Let it be known that these cookies weren’t there before. It was as if they were divinely placed before me. One was a pack of bite-sized, sugar cookies with M&M’s. The other was everything the aforementioned pack was, except these cooks were of chocolate descent. I didn’t know which one I wanted, so I grabbed both of them. I also had a problem choosing the sandwich I wanted. But this decision would ultimately be much easier than the cookie decision (still unresolved). I chose a Turkey n’ Swiss Club on wheat. Joe had now returned, so my meal wasn’t going to be on him anymore. Perhaps I should have been moving a little faster. He informed me that one of the girls he was talking to had a thing for me. Her name was Morgan. And I was NOT interested.
I approached the register to pay for my meal. Joe had already paid for his gnarsh and was sitting at the table with that group of gourmet groupies. I acknowledged how awful that situation was going to be, and then I turned to the cashier. “Do I want the sugar cookies or do I want the chocolate version?” To which she replied, “do you want a white cookie with M&M’s in it or do you want a black cookie with M&M’s in it?” This cashier was a genius. I’ll take the white ones please. Then, she rang me up-”$20.13 please.” WHAT??!??… I looked at Joe, because I thought he pulled a fast one on me. She informed me that he already paid for his items. There must have been a problem. Correction: There was definitely a problem. She sorted it out, and on top of that, because she was so nice, she took off an additional 40%. Much more affordable. The flirtatious cashier, then told me about a beer tasting event that she was attending after work. She asked me if I would be interested in escorting her to said event. I told her I wasn’t a beer guy and that it probably wasn’t going to work out. SHE WAS NOT HAPPY.
I sat at the table, you know, with those disgusting girls that I didn’t want to meet. “A Groovy Kind of Love” was humming in the background. I noted (to myself) how weird it was, that I received chills when I recognized what track it was. It was arranged for me to sit by Morgan (did I mention she was Asian?) who was sitting on the inside of the booth. I was in the middle, and Joe was on the outside. How was this going to work? No room for me to gnarsh. And I had to talk to this oriental chick, that I had no interest in whatsoever…Ay Ay Ay. I asked her if we’d met before. She said no. Hmmm? That’s the end of that terrible conversation. It was now time for me to initiate my gnarshing sequence. I was going to need some silence. Not to mention the fact that our boy Phil was whistling sweet nothings in my ear. The mood had been set. Now all I needed, was for Morgan to let me finish my meal, without saying another word.
……
This song is a hit…is she still talking? Why won’t this [expletive deleted] shut up?
She must not know how musically involved I am.
I woke up before all of my food was consumed…and the song was still playing in my mind. But from what I can’t remember, it was still, a Groovy Kind of Gnarsh…
* I was only awake for 4 hours before I decided that I was going to take this nap.
That guy in the background look familiar to anybody? That’s Sodak (a.k.a Hangk, a.k.a (314)-DAK, a.k.a So-Wak). I haven’t seen this kid in quite some time. I am under the impression that I will never see him again. But he is not the reason we’re here…
Today was a rather unruly day for me. If you are not aware, I am unemployed, jobless,…BROKE. Supposedly I am not the only one suffering from this. I am not in a favorable position financially, but I am stayin’ a-float. I have been thinking a lot lately about where I stand, where I am going, and where I want to be. Where I stand right now is not particularly where I want to be, and it most definitely won’t help me identify exactly where I’m going. There is only one way to rectify the situation…GET OUT. I have a feeling I’m not going to be here (geographically?) for very much longer. Where am I going? I don’t [expletive deleted] know.
One very old Mr. Morgan Freeman got into a serious car accident early Monday morning. He broke some bones, that were arguably already broken, but he is in high spirits. The car was supposedly flipping from bumper to bumper. That is quite the car accident if I say so myself. Say, Mr. Morgan, what was going on in that ‘97 Nissan Maxima before it went a tumblin’? I don’t think I want to know, but I would seriously like to know. I am sure something just jumped out onto the road, which caused you to swerve uncontrollably, which then led to the flippity floppin’. Because you are way too old to be experimenting.*
……..
In a related story, Burger King has introduced a new, nutritionally balanced kids’ meal that includes a 4-ounce serving of Kraft Macaroni n’ Cheese. Yeah, you heard right old folk. Kids’ Meal. Which means we don’t get any. Now that comment is definitely inaccurate, I know. But it is totally ludicrous that they would label that item as a kids’ item, knowing that we, as adults, would like to partake. This might be a bit of a stretch, but I think the news of the Kraft Macaroni n’ Cheese might have played a part in Mr. Freeman’s unfortunate accident. I can relate Morgan. Because when I heard this news,Ialmost ran my car (that doesn’t exist) off the road, nearly killing myself.
It’s going to take me a while to (really) get this blog rollin’…
Expect to see a plethora of NBA updates, laffs, and a lot of talk (much ado?) about grits. Add to that a bunch of random blah, blah blah, that I (and maybe a few others) will find worth ... Continue reading »
