EnSaneO Man

Did you happen to catch Brendan Fraser at the ESPY Awards Ceremony? Here is a little visual just in case you missed it:

It appeared transparent, that Brendan was either higher than Mount Everest, or he was truly, well…I think there is not much more that can be said here. I don’t think it would be appropriate. Why so full of glee Mr. Fraser? Journey to the Center of the Earth must be doing pretty well right now…

Brendan was also on Leno recently, in an effort to promote his new Mummy flick. This was a sight. I knew I was in for some laffs after his display on ESPN. Is he always this energetic? And this energy manufactures a certain air of awkwardness, that to the likes of which I have never seen. It is quite eerie and very uncomfortable. Leno got a taste of what I am speaking of. During the interview, Brendan proceeded to speak over Leno, at an optimal level. At certain points, you could clearly see Leno getting quite frustrated with Mr. Fraser. As their discussion went on, Mr. Fraser came down a bit, from what could only be described as an intense cocaine rush.

I am enjoying the thinning of Mr. Fraser’s hair as well. Much to my surprise, in the Mummy movies, his hair is not so thin. How many plugs (exactly) do you get stapled into that massive head of yours Mr. Brendan Fraser? And was that your flowing hair in Encino Man, or did you have a problem then as well?

Oh he is having so much fun isn’t he? We’ll just go ahead and say that we already know the answer to those questions. We know what’s going on. You’re 40 years old.

So tell us about Inkheart, where you play a man who has the unusual ability to bring characters from books into the real world…

You just can’t get a straight answer out of this guy. He’s always playin’. Well I think I am about done with Mr. Brendan Fraser.

Very classy Mr. Brendan Fra…

Alright, that’s about enough.

Thesaurus Wrecks

Can everyone legitimately say that they are familiar with this word:

insouciant

What about this one:

strifaticalous*

Only those that have read a few more books than I have. Maybe even those who are a little more artistic than I. Even Crumbs.  All in all, it really bites my arse when I am skimming a novel or an article (what-have-you) and stumble, and I do mean stumble, across a word that these overachievers use to belittle us, to show us that they have wildly overachieved, and that they are indeed, more literate than we are ( I am).  Now, my vocabulary is somewhat underdeveloped due to my inability to pick up a book, but I can read. And I can roll with the medium-sized dogs, but I simply choose not to.  There are many unfortunate souls out there who still have trouble deciphering between “to”, “too”, and sometimes “two”.  It’s not rocket science.  Or is it?  Well, I know I have made the to/too/two mistake many times.  But was I being serious?  I don’t think I should have to answer that question. (I know there’s a difference)

When I was a young lad, growing up in the Carolinas, my father was a very militant individual.  He wanted his son to do well and make something of himself (things didn’t turn out exactly as he would have wanted but…).  At the beginning of a given week, he would assign five words from the dictionary for me to learn and at the end of said week, I would have to spell and define all five words correctly. That’s what love is all about.  In the second grade I was in a spelling bee.  It was the third round or so, and I was up to bat.  My word was “tour”.  I was young, arrogant.  Before I could even let them (the judges) finish the definition, I began to spell; “tour, t-o-r-e.” WRONNNGGG! Did I just…? What just happened? I was so upset with myself.  How embarrassing.  I didn’t eat that night.  And that was not by choice.  I hadn’t earned it.  My father shouldn’t have fed me.**  All of that work he put in, and for what?  I still haven’t forgotten.  I’ll never forget.

In the past few months I have been contemplating a big decision.  One that calls for a little change or adjustment to my current lifestyle.  And it has been decided that things are going to be taken up a notch ( I’m getting my sh*t together, if you will). Semplay is going to re-educate himself.

All of the knowledge that I have so foolishly laughed away, I want back.  Things are going to be different.  And my life, as I now know it, will become (grammatically) error free.

“I will stumble no more“

*NOT A REAL WORD

**This part is not true. I gnarshed (on some Little Caesars) til’ the sun came up.

My Own Worst Enemy, or M.O.W.E.

To whom it may concern (please):

Q: What happened in the second season of Heroes?  And am I even interested in the third installment?

A: Unfortunately, I don’t I have the patience for more than only one really bad series at a time.

Bad Series?

First, Celeb Fam. Feud with Roker,  and then the glorious return of The New American Gladiators,  Nashville Star(?), and now this, starring the ever-elusive Christian Slater.  I guess one word comes to mind when I think of this could-be hit: yes and/or please.

My Own Worst Enemy, stars Slater, as what appears to be a schizophrenic psycho, who represents two fictitious characters, Henry Spivey and Edward Albright. Here’s a little bite of originality for ya, they’re the same person, only they’re not the same person…but they are*.  M.O.W.E.  “explores the duality of a man who is literally pitted against himself”.  This one might be a little confusing to start out. Remember HBO’s John From Cincinnati? Neither do I.  Because of Slater’s irrefutable star power, I don’t think we will have to worry about his new endeavor being that terrible. With that said, I am not sure if I will be able to afford the time required to respect this one (M.O.W.E.) in its entirety.  Although there will be many attempts…no doubt about that.

What?

Oh, the series premier is Monday, October 13th, 10/9c(entral).

I’ll be there…

* (the same person).

Next Post: Who is the real Jehosaphat Jackson?

Insufficient (Fun?)ds

Who wants a job?

This one.."he gon' be aight."

Even better question…who out there gives a [expletive deleted] ?

I feel as if I am living a horrible nightmare. No, I am living a horrible nightmare. Does anybody respect me?  Currently, all signs point to “I don’t think so, Mister Middleton”.  It’s not like I am re-living the same day. Not even close. These horrifyingly unproductive periods of my life are dissimilar in that I hit a new (laughable) low everyday.  There are some high points. If it weren’t for Frownball and my ability to just laff , I would be in a world of trouble. “Stay focused Semplay”, and “keep your eye on the prize”, are the motivational phrases I tell myself religiously…

(I wish at least half of what I just wrote were true)

I do need to address something serious.  It involves grits.  All this talk about grits and I haven’t even had a bowl of said greatness in about a month.  Here is a little what-you-need-to-know (pertaining to the infamous grit):

It’s corn based and very common in The South.  It’s the symbol of every southerners’ diet and customs. And according to My Boy Wiki,  the grit has been a significant part of every South Carolinians’ life, paying no attention to the matters of  race, background, financial status (this is an important one), legendary status, or gender. It refuses to discriminate.  I could learn a few things.  The General Assembly of the State of South Carolina has recognized that “a man full of grits, is a man at peace”. Now if the rest of us could only catch up to what they’re doin’ in The South…

Now that you have been formally introduced,

I think it is time for me to put my insufficient amount of money where my mouth is.  I need a  heapin’ helpin’ of grits.

Anybody else?

Isiah?

Be sure to tune in next week for  “Insufficient (Fun?)ds Too: Does he really even like grits?”

Ahhh boy

Hmmmm…..?

Will it ever stop? He doesn’t have anything better to do?

Warning: Approach this man (seen here on your left) with extreme caution. Can be exceptionally hazardous to your current and/or future success.

Where was his boy Al “Scoops” Sharpton? I thought they worked together on these public displays of total degradation. They just keep creating more ways to embarrass the African-American race. I might be mistaken, but aren’t they the ones pushing for a better (positive?) image in the African-American community?

It’s like the blind,deaf, and dumb leading the deaf and dumb…

…I AM ???

I don’t get it. I mean, I get it. But I seriously just don’t get it. Look at this talentless loser. This crapola of a film pulling in $185 million (worldwide) in its opening weekend? What’s the deal? This isn’t the same Will that we all watched do the running man up and down the halls of Bel-Air Prep. This isn’t the same Will that would constantly ridicule Carlton for all of his social abnormalities and physical mishaps. And this most definitely isn’t the same Will (from Philly) that would not let Uncle Phil forget how hungry he probably was. This is a man that has been well removed from his prime. As far as acting goes, Will Smith ain’t got it. I will give it to you, his role in The Pursuit of HappIness was okay. But overall, I still think he’s a hack. He stinks. Bad Boys I and II? Give me a break. If it weren’t for Martin Lawrence picking up the slack for Mr. Independence Day, he wouldn’t be where he is right now. What is it about him that has these eager movie-goers wanting more? Let’s get Karyn Parsons (hot!), Alfonso, and J. Avery on the horn, and let’s bring Mike Lowry back to reality.

With that said, a few legends, including myself, decided to take in a movie Sunday afternoon. Let’s see what’s playing. Wall-E? No, I don’t do Pixar. Hmmm….AHA

Hancock…yes please

The opening scene was standard. An immediate introduction to whatever character Will is playing. Speaking in his ethnic, hip, edgy/urban tongue, just not giving a darn. I just don’t know what to think anymore, about any of it. It’s all bad. Let me tell you a little problem I have with Mr. Smith. He knows he is a good looking man. He knows this. And it bugs me how in most of his films ( definitely the most recent: I, (wish I was a?) Robot, I’m Legend, and yes of course, Hancock) there are scenes with his chiseled physique being partially (or even fully) exposed for everyone to see. Now I didn’t pay money to see that. I know who did. I am picturing a 40-year old, homosexual man fondling his unmentionables during the shower scene of I,(thought I was a?) Robot. A very disturbing and graphic image indeed. Put some f**ken clothes on.

Hancock. Typecast? Not necessarily, but I wouldn’t rule it out. Does this line sound familiar? “Do I look like I care what you (people) think?” Well, it should. Let’s just say that one was in a little movie titled, I,( am pretty sure I am a?) Robot. Also in Hancock. How about the scene (in Hancock) when Cock is giving the press conference, and he informs the media reporters that, “I am the only one of my kind”. Where have we heard this one before? I think Dr. Robert Neville, star of I am (not a?) Legend would be more than happy to answer that one. Boy, Will really knows how to mix it up. I have a feeling he is just throwing his weight around when it comes to the writing of some of these horrible scripts. Something is working though. Numb3rs don’t lie.

Hancock. A film that was supposed to be Rated R. Somebody pulled some strings and got it down to a PG-13 rating. Let’s get those kids in there, so they can witness some disturbing violence. That’s what they need to see. In a prison scene of Hancock, the superzero is approached by two inmates, who he, at some point prior, put behind bars. So they want [his] blood. Don’t they know who they are messing with? They already had a taste. Well one of the ‘mates foolishly makes a mistake by hitting Cock where it aggravates [him] most. He’s got this “thing” about being called an a*hole three times over. Do so, and HitchCock, I mean The Fresh Robot, will shove your head up someone’s anal canal. There was a lady sitting behind us who got to reap the benefits of that poor inmates folly. She was just laff’n. I’m shocked that she did not have a heart attack. Her laff-a-palooza made things pretty awkward for me. It wasn’t even funny. And what were the kids thinking?

As soon as they introduced the twist involving Charlize Theron, I was ready for the end credits to roll. I was begging for them actually. And what was the deal with the computer generated twister/thunder/lightning storm that took place in the middle of the city? It was at this point that I just totally gave up on the film, and I think the director did too.

In the end, Hancock, (star of I’m Legend, hItch, I, ( don’t want to be a?) Robot (anymore?), The Pursuit of HappIness, and countless others) must leave Charlize’s character, in order for her to survive. He does. She lives. The End.

P.S. There was some guy with a hook ( Hancock’d in the beginning of the film) that really had it out for Prince Cock.  It is unclear to me, and I am sure many others, how he was so weak and easily subdued in the beginning of the film, but in the end becomes this antagonistic super-villain.  But anyway…(long review short)…

I give this film 5 stars (out of 5)…it was that bad.

Anticipation for the next Will Smith action-thriller (Bad Boys III?) is too much for me to handle.

HANCOCK (a must see)

I am sorry, but I’m gonna have to ask you to leave…

Independence Day? Lake of the Ozarks? Give me a break…

We goin’ ta CoMo!

The Acb’s, this terrible band from the mid-midwest (I’m juss playin’), were performing in Columbia, Missouri. I had nothing else to do for the Fourth, so it was decided that a trip to CoMo was the best (my only) option. Did anyone in CoMo want me there? Uh…No. Was I going anyway? Uh…yeah. “Lookout Gordo and friends. A hoard of dysfunctional and slightly unsuccessful losers are headed your way.”

Before I get to that, can I say something about that lake? NO THANK YOU PLEASE.

Now, back ta CoMo…

Ol’ Eggs was also in for the weekend, so the laff factor was taken up a couple notches. Oh boy do we love to laff . We arrived at our destination around 5:30 p.m. By we, I mean myself, Hoops, and her boyfriend, Scoops.

Boys n’ girls, meet Hoops n’ Scoops…

(Don’t be alarmed, her face isn’t distorted. She’s not retarded or anything like that…Not that there is anything wrong with being retarded, right?)

The band was supposed to arrive around the same time we did but they had made a promise to Ol’ Eggs that he would be picked up (by them) from the airport and escorted to CoMo. Unfortunately, a bunch of possible dicking around caused them to run a little late, and Ol’ Eggs was none too pleased. By the time they reached their final destination, it was time for me to show some Columbia lifers a little disrespect. So our (my) hang headed ta Quinton’s.

The band was playing at the Music Cafe, which is a couple of doors down from Quinton’s. Which means there was going to be some sporadic movement from bar to bar throughout the night. This was going to get a little pricey...

… one dominating dart performance over Hoops n’ Scoops, three Razz on the rocks, and a muscle relaxer later…

And the show was underway. Surprisingly, there was a respectable crowd at the show. I don’t remember exactly how their performance went. I will assume that it went well. That muscle relaxer had me feelin’ a little too fine to be concerned with what was happening on-stage. Oh by the way, $2 wells at the Cafe…still a little pricey, but very manageable nonetheless.

We ended the night at Quinton’s and an after-hang was in the works, so I thought. What should’ve been one after-hang, somehow became two separate after-hangs. My hang was taken over by a GnarshFest. This fest consisted of two pizzas, and a feature presentation, “The Adventures of Pluto (G)Na(r)sh”, hence the expression GnarshFest.

Ol’ Eggs called me sometime before the second pizza was consumed (or gnarshed). He said he was going to come over. Guess what? Never showed up. Come to find out, there had been an accident. Ol’ Koney wasn’t feeling fine and needed to be escorted to the Emergency Room. Oy Vey…

As soon as Koney was released (sigh), he wanted nothing more but to get the hell out of dodge. And they did just that..at about 5 in the morning. That is why Ol’ Eggs didn’t show up to the hang. Hey Eggs, a phone call would have sufficed.

I fell asleep, and am unsure as to whether or not I finished the movie. But when I fell asleep, I was certain that there were at least 5 or 6 other legends in the apartment with me. When I awoke the next afternoon, I was the only person there. I had no idea what had happened. Where was everyone? I guess that was my cue. So I grabbed Pluto Nash, took a resin hit, and was on my way to meet up with the roommates.

It was now time to get back to QueSi. I was done with CoMo. And it was mos’ definally time to bounce. But in the end I think it was CoMo that was even more delighted and eased to see me off (again). CoMo doesn’t respect me. CoMo was happy to get rid of me when she did, and she would prefer to stay SemPlay free.

Hey CoMo…F**k (fart) You!

Hey, anyone want the rest of this brownie?

So this is the deal…

We went out, we got all spoonay, we watched Mean Guns, and at some point during the movie, we lost a few pieces of the hang…

and…

We also lost Sweetims, but he woke up as soon as Mean Guns was over. I think he said something about having seen it before (we only actually got to see about 10% of the film because of Koney’s innovative and very technical fast-forwarding methods). The discussion of gnarsh arose, and…

…after 5 minutes of deliberation (bickering)…

A trip to Quicktrip (at about 4 in the A.M..) ensued. I purhased the following items:

• Bottled Water
• Turkey and Swiss sandwich
• One chicken taquito (for the walk home)
• A bag of doritos (Sweet-Spicy Chili please)
• One chocolate chip brownie

Crumbs purchased an old-fashioned donar, a corn dog(respect) and a cheddar snarsauge dog, which is what we like to call “the tri-fecta“. Sweetims purchased himself a cheddar snarsauge dog and a donar as well. Why did’t I get a donar? And where was Koney?

There was a girl walking her dog when we walked out of QuickTrip. Actually she was kind of jogging. Very awkward for an attractive girl to be out so late (early?), by herself. I am sure she was just taking her pet out for it’s routine dump, but still…’twas a questionable move. There could have been an accident. Luckily for her and her dog, these three, homosexually charged perverts had only two things on their minds:

1. Gnarsh’n
2. Lambert, Lambert,Lambert

I could not finish my treat, so I offered it up to one of the boys to which I was DENIED two times over. I would consider that the lowest point of the night. I felt dejected and disrespected.

This post is pointless, not funny, and OVER….

P.S. Crumbs was giggling like an adolescent who had never gotten all spooney before. It was quite embarrassing.

Hurry the f**k up….

Crumbs is in town…

This is Crumbs…

We are supposed to be gettin’ our gnawsh on. For those of you who are unfamiliar, when you are gnawshin’ you are just straight up gnawshin’…Hope that helps…

He claimed that he had some errands to run. And that “he would be over (my house) shortly“. Well I am running a little short on patience.

Crumbs..HURRY THE F**K UP!